I started my blog about a year and a half ago. Today I started going through my blog and looking at many of my past posts. I am not done yet. I have many more months to look at, as I have written many.
As I mentioned before I finished the first draft of my memoir and am proofreading, editing and revamping it. It is difficult because I have way too much material and I do not want my memoir to be too long. I have lived with bipolar disorder for over twenty-five years. That is a long time and it makes for a lot of writing material.
I started looking through my past posts to find writing material to add to my memoir. I found this one I wrote about a year ago. This chapter of my life is included in my memoir, not exactly in this format but the story is the same.
My memoir has journal entries I have saved for over twenty years always in the hopes that one day I would write my memoir. It has been a long time in the making. I guess I just needed the most recent part of my story. The last few months of my life are the final chapter.
I have included journal entries in my memoir and this section from my post is part of them. This is a very little sneak peek into my memoir. Not taken from my memoir as this was a post I wrote, but the journal entry is in my book. It may be a hard read as it is my first suicide attempt over twenty years ago.
***Please look for my next post as I will include the next part and show you how God saved my life AGAIN, just like he always does…
My entire memoir will not be sad. I promise. I want my story to be full of hope and inspire people. I want people to know they can survive and overcome anything and everything, especially with God in their lives. My book will end with hope and inspiration. That is my goal. I hope you like my future book one day, and I hope you like this post from a year ago.
Post written on March 13, 2017…
I have a record of my bipolar journey for approximately 20 years as I have written in journals and saved about seventeen or more of them. Most of these journal entries were made when I was very ill and in the hospital.
Unfortunately, I was hospitalized too many times to count and very very ill from my bipolar symptoms. I have always been resistant to medications and had severe side effects or adverse reactions to most of the medications the doctors prescribed to me. Also, I have bipolar 1 disorder with rapid cycling and mixed episodes which makes my type of bipolar even harder to treat.
Another problem was that I would not accept my diagnosis and acceptance is the first step in recovery of bipolar disorder and any mental illness.
I am in the process of writing my memoir and am including many of my actual journal entries in my memoirs. These journal entries show the actual events and my feelings at that time and they also show how long I have struggled and survived with bipolar.
I was diagnosed about four years prior to these journal entries but around this time is when the severity of my illness became so severe I could barely function in my daily life. The impact that a mental illness has on the patient and family is huge and the disruption is immense.
I began going in and out of the hospital. I didn’t understand my illness and couldn’t deal with my symptoms, the pain and the side effects from so many medication changes. My life was once perfect to me and all of a sudden everything was taken away from me. The sudden changes were too drastic for me to accept. My severe mental pain and having such drastic changes in my life made me feel like I could never survive living this way any more.
These entries were written before I became a strong believer in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He saved my life more times than I count. Praise God.
If you are in a difficult season of your life, please get help and know that your life will get better. Never give up hope. Jesus is always with you by your side and holding your hand no matter what your life situation is. He loves you and will never leave you. You just have to believe and accept him into your life.
March 21, 1997
What’s for breakfast? Paxil, Clonazepam (Klonopin), water and cigarettes for the mentally ill, the ill at heart. When can I be well? I want to be normal. Someone just tell me what is wrong with me so I can get on with my life. Fix me please. I hope Dr. M. can help me when I see him. I woke up and feel anxious or whatever it is all ready.
March 31, 1997
I have the day off from teaching today. Hurray. The kids are at Mikes (my now ex-husband – not his real name), but I miss them. I have to try to do my homework for teaching and I am going to try to get that done before I feel worse. I feel anxiety inside again even though I took a Tegretol and two of my Clonazepam (Klonopin). I feel detached and angry. I don’t know why.
Why can’t I wake up feeling good, normal and happy? When will that time come? The only things keeping me alive are my children. This feeling I have is too much. No one can understand how it feels. I am not well again. I have taken the drug for about a week. It worked well for about three to four days. Actually it was wonderful at first. I didn’t want to get too optimistic though, because I know about how I am with medications. I do not have any real side effects yet, but I feel manic and depressed at the same time. Yuck.
It is now 12:00 p.m. I just got back from Dr. M’s office. The only thing I can think about is dying. I would look at people in the clinic and think that I won’t be here soon. What is this life about? Dr. M was not reassuring to me either.
Nothing helps me. I just want to die. I thought of the letters I would write and what I would say on them. I guess I have to get up the energy to write my letters and decide if I have enough Ambien.
Dr. M says I will always have the ups and downs like I have. Sorry but I cannot live with them. I would kill myself in one second if I didn’t have children. They would be my only regret. I used to think slitting my wrists was the way to go, but my knives are too dull.
Can I do this to my children? I don’t even care about the rest of the population. I hope people can just think like I was a Diabetic and the Insulin failed. It was an insulin overdose. That is what people should look at it as. Also, someone should fight the laws about insurance. My kids should get my life insurance because I died of a suicide, but not really. I died from a fxxxin’ mental illness that will never get better.
I guess I don’t even have the mental energy to write the notes right now so I guess I am going now.
I am back now and I just talked to Kylie and Keagan and told them how much I loved them. I hope they never forget. I know after I die someone will read this.
You are my first-born. My most beautiful and precious baby girl. I loved being your Mommy. You are now almost five and you are so talented, creative and beautiful. I am sorry I had to leave, but I was sick. I am sorry I couldn’t be with you for the rest of your life. Please make people treat you like you are special because you are. Do not let anyone put you down for anything you do. Please be happy and take one minute at a time. Life is good. I love you more than life itself.
Love, your Mommy forever OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX……….
Make sure Daddy keeps you in dance and gymnastics. You are gifted.
You are my second born and my most precious little boy. You are three now and so cute and creative. You have a personality that will never stop. You always made Mommy smile and laugh. Keep your loving personality. Never let anyone hurt you or put you down. If someone ever puts you down, don’t listen to them. Please be happy. Mommy will miss you and love you more than anything.
Make sure Daddy puts you in dance and gymnastics. You are three now. I am sorry Mommy had to leave. I was sick.
I love you. Love, your Mommy forever OXOXOXOXOXOX………
Dear Mike (my ex-husband – not his real name) and everyone else,
Please remember how I was. I know I was beautiful and creative and kind. But, now I am sick. Think of it like I had Diabetes. My insulin isn’t working and I can never see the end of this pain and madness!
Mike, at the end you kept worrying about all of these stupid little things in life, when all I was trying to do was stay alive. You couldn’t leave me alone. Please remember me when I was well. That was me and us! Be happy.
Love, Sue forever OXOXOXOXOX…
Good by to the world. I wonder where I will go. Please don’t be sad about me. I will be at peace. No more ups and downs. I can’t take them.
No. I didn’t blame you. I know you loved me. I was ill. Just remember me for who I was and how I was when I was well.
Everyone take care of my children the way I would with love and patience. Never spank! DO NOT be overly STRICT.
Never forget that children need love the most when they least deserve it. They always deserve love. Give them all of your time. Always give them more love than you have. You will never run out of love. You have a lot to spare.
Love, Sue forever OXOXOXOXOXOXOX…….
I can wear my purple dress at my funeral. I look good in purple. Don’t be mad at me for doing this to you.
Please play a lot of happy music at my funeral. Play “You are My Sunshine. because that is what I always sang to Kylie and Keagan. I can’t think of other songs right now.
I will always be shining down on them in a sun or rainbow or even in the clouds.
I lived this long for them. They kept me alive to 33 (almost 34).
Be happy, quit worrying about all the stupid things in life, like keeping your house clean or having enough perfect food. Who cares about those things.
Sit down and talk and love and play with one another. Enjoy life and don’t get bogged down on the stupid things.
Remember to treat people with kindness.
People are all beautiful on the inside even if appearances on the outside are not acceptable to you. Color, handicap, disability, illness, money and clothes don’t make a person.
Even though I am gone, I am still here peacefully. I am sorry to have hurt people so much. I can’t live with that and I am sorry I will hurt more people for leaving this way without having better and kinder letters.
Since I was young, I always knew for some reason that I would have a shortened life. I didn’t know why or how, but I just knew. That is why I guess I tried to live day by day and didn’t save my money. I was happy for the moment I was living in. Please all of you try to do that.
I won’t say goodbye because try to see me in laughter and all that is good in life. I worry about my children but they can’t have a sick mom either. I can’t even pay my rent. I am sorry.
I am manic and depressed at the same time. When I am gone I hope you can learn about my illness. I give you permission to talk to my Dr. M and my counselor if it will help you understand and learn about my illness.
Dr. M. and my counselor always said don’t go to the hospital like I was weak if I went, so I feel like I am being strong and not a coward now to do what I have to do.
Someone (is it myself or a voice) is telling me that it is time to go now.
I will miss all of you and do love everyone… mostly KYLIE and KEAGAN.
I love you all forever.
Love, Sue XOXOXOXOXO…
After I wrote my last suicide letter, I did take all of my pills, walked into my bedroom and laid down in my bed to die. I was ready. Fortunately, my suicide attempt did not work as God saved my life. Praise God I am still alive today.
I will write part 2 in an upcoming post. Look for it because it shows how beautiful and powerful and loving our God is and how He truly saved my life. He saves lives, heals and works miracles.
Reading and rewriting the journal entries was kind of hard for me as they were painful reminders of how my life and pain was many years ago. I was so naïve to my new bipolar diagnosis. I was very scared and had no idea what was happening to me and my brain. I could not accept what was happening to my life.
It was awful and sad how I wrote these suicide letters. I look back on them now and think how ridiculous they were. That was all I left my children. How awful of me, but I was very ill, of course.
If my suicide was successful (that seems like an appropriate word to use) that would have been all my children would have had of me and the last words from me. That is very sad and is a huge eye opener for me and everyone else going through severe pain and living with suicidal ideations. Please fight through them as I need to continue to do. With God’s help I can do it and I will continue to make it.
Most importantly, I want people to understand, realize and listen closely to the fact that if my suicide was successful, I would have never been able to experience the love and joy of life I have had for over 20 years. Again, I need to find a new word to use as suicide can never be successful. You know what I mean. My children would not have had a mother and they would not have turned out to be the people they are today. That is such a sad and scary concept for me to think about. My children are wonderful, amazing and beautiful young people who are happy, love life and are living their lives for Christ and serve Him in as many ways as they can.
Also, if my suicide attempt was successful my daughter Alexia would never have been born. That is very sad as well. She is also a wonderful beautiful young lady.
I think about all that I have accomplished, done and experienced and the life I have been blessed to live and all of the many people I have been privileged to meet and know and have helped and loved.
Sure I have had many struggles and I continue to and always will, but I have learned how to survive and live with them. It just takes time to accept and adapt to all of it.
God saved my life so I can be a loving Mommy and I can help other people. Helping people is and always has been my passion in life. Hopefully I can make a lasting and positive impact on people’s lives.
I have a purpose in life and so does everyone. We are all important. We matter.
I survived. I am a bipolar survivor.
Hugs and blessings to you always and forever.
~post written on March 13, 2017
Copyright © 2018 by Susan Walz | myloudbipolare whsipers.com | All Rights Reserved.
Much of what you wrote sounded very familiar to me, especially the part about being at the clinic and not being able to think about anything but death. I have a very vivid memory related to my first suicide attempt of being at work and co-leading a group, and all I could think about was what I was going to have for my last meal before ending my life (I settled on KFC).
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Thank you for sharing and for your feedback. I appreciate it greatly of course. I hope the KFC was good. I am sorry you went through this. I am very happy you survived and am happy you are here and are a blogging friend. I hope you are doing well. Have a fabulous night, Hugs, Sue
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Hugs and more hugs to you Sue. I may never ever fully understand what you have gone through but I have come to love the person who shines through these blogs.
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You are so kind. Thank you for reading my post and for your beautiful kind words you shared with me. It means the world to me. Your kindness truly touches and warms my heart. Have a happy, healthy, loved-filled and fabulous weekend. Much love, Sue
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This is incredible beautiful. I’m so thankful you found Jesus and realized your worth, because those precious babies of yours need you. You are a light to the mental health community, and your story will continue to inspire others, including me. Thank you so much for this.
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Thank you for reading Jordan and for you wonderful comments. I appreciate both of them. Your words made me very happy. I hope you are doing well. Hugs, Sue
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