“My momma always said, life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” ~Tom Hanks – from the movie Forrest Gump
“Having bipolar is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
“People with bipolar are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get and we are a sweet, delightful and special treat.” ~Sue Walz
Night time is sometimes a scary and difficult time for me. I am left alone inside my mind to face the reality of what my life truly is and what it is not.
My mind is overcome with sadness and sorrow of the reality of my life.
Night time forces me to face my reality and be alone within my mind. I am all alone with my intrusive thoughts. There are no distractions to set me free from the sadness, horrors and demons inside my mind. I am left all alone to feel the deep dark pain inside me. I am all alone in the scary world within my mind.
Night time brings out the bad, negative, sad and scary feelings with nothing to interfere with the frequency and the loudness of the words and voices telling me that I am no good and that my life is nothing and that I am never going to be anything. I think about the many goals and dreams I had for myself that I never got to accomplish or achieve and I never will.
I must face the reality of what my life is and what my life is not and some of that is a very sad reality for me.
I must battle inside my mind to fight my negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Fight the bad with the good. Fight the loud voices and words that tell me suicide is a good idea. I must fight those thoughts and lies, so that I can live. I must fight the reminders and intrusive memories of my painful past, abuse and shame and fill those memories with hope and faith and the possibilities that my life can change for the better.
I try to fill my mind with positive thoughts, knowing in the back of my mind that it might not be realistic or true.
It feels scary and almost risky to go to bed and try to fall asleep at night, because I never know what gloom or doom may be lurking in the night or how I will be feeling in the morning or what mood pole I will be in. I never know what tomorrow or even the next moment will bring, but then no one really does.
Life is a mystery. Tomorrow is a new day and we never know what tomorrow will bring or what will happen next.
Each box of chocolates and each chocolate is different. We never know what is inside each chocolate until we bite into it. It is a mystery. Tomorrow and life is like a chocolate and is a mystery.
We need to bite into each new day of life with hope and faith that it will be a great day. Take a risk and bite into each day of your life with hope that you are going to get that caramel inside your chocolate of life.
Each time you bite into a chocolate you are taking a risk. You never know if you are going to get something yummy and good or something that tastes awful to you.
Most of us love chocolates, so we should look at our lives like it is a box of chocolates. When I look into a beautiful box of chocolates, I am happy and I am willing to take a risk to see what I will get. I might get an awful one or might get my favorite.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It is beautiful and diverse. It might be a bad day, or it might turn out to be the best day ever. You never know.
When I look into the box of chocolates, I search and hope I will pick out my favorite chocolate every time. I hope for the best. We need to live our lives like that. Enter each new day hoping for the best, hoping that each one of your days is going to be a milk chocolate with a creamy caramel center, my favorite.
I hope your days are filled with many happy moments,
and I hope you always pick your favorite chocolate
out of the box of chocolates.
“My momma always said, life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” ~Tom Hanks – from the movie Forrest Gump
“…My momma always said there’s’ an awful lot you can tell about a person from their shoes. Where they’re going. Where they’ve been. I’ve worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard, I can remember my first pair of shoes. Momma said, they’d take me anywhere.” ~Tom Hanks – from the movie Forrest Gump
I need my shoes to take me ANYWHERE…
I am ready to go.
“Run, Sue, run….”
Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.
My Loud Whispers of Hope 
Fantastic blog
And a nice post
Good luck
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Thank you very much. I appreciate your kind comments. Hugs and blessings, Sue
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This is a very beautiful post, it creates a visual to understand what people with bipolar go through daily, even though it is the same for the people around them. The surprise remains for everyone how the information will be processed, neighter a good or a bad one, it can always turn out to be the other way. Sometimes I forget how hard it must be for her…
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Thank you. I am very happy you liked my post and you could relate to it. Have a happy and fabulous day. Hugs and blessings. Sue
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Sue – very well written – you are really brave to fight against yourself and win. Love and hugs.
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Thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate them. I must keep fighting and winning and living. Have a very blessed day today and everyday, Sue
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Yes, this is so true. I’m sorry you struggle at night too, but I want you to know that your life is very important both to me all all the other peoples’ whose you improve with your kindness! Lucy xx
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Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. You have made my day these last few days we have become blogging friends. Thank you for your many kind words to me . I appreciate them, love to hear them, and believe I need to hear them too sometimes… so thank you very much. You are an awesome young lady. Love, Sue
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Thanks you and the same is true of you. Somehow we seem to be interacting on lots of different threads which makes the conversation a bit disjointed 😂 So if my replies are a bit out of sync that’s why. I’m hoping you have another good day, is it tomorrow? I get so confused with the time difference. I am better than I was a few weeks ago but since I’m not bipolar (unipolar depression) I don’t get very high ever really. I hope one day I might recover but I feel quite numb a lot of the time at the moment. Love, Lucy
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I am sorry. I hope you can experience some highs… just a little high… a spark of joy. We all need that. Just keep being tough and remember you are an awesome and valuable and important person. You are needed. Many people love respect and need you in their lives. So, keep on keeping one. It will get better though…. sometimes not exactly as soon as we want it to, but I promise it will get better. I have been living with mental illness my entire life but been diagnoses with this over 25 years ago. I know we do not have the same stories and struggles, but have both had to go through severe bouts of depression and struggles and obstacles and pain etc. etc. Anyway. I have had many downs below the ground low and in time I have survived. I pray you will very soon start feel beyond numbness. One thing that helped me for sure was God. I am not sure if you believe etc. and that is your choice of course. I was just offering one thing that helped me a lot is worship music, prayer and God. I will keep you in my prayers for healing. God has healed me to the point he wanted me to be healed. I have come a long way. I still have severe symptoms sometimes but I no longer need to be hospitalized and only take one medication. There is hope. When there is breath there is hope. I pray you have a happy and healthy day and weekend. Love, hugs, and blessings Sue
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Thank you so much Sue. Yes, I believe in God and He has kept me going. One of the worst times of my life was when I couldn’t find Him. I love hymns and they have helped me through many dark hours and now years. I have not found the right kind of church for me yet which makes me sad, but one can worship anywhere.
A few months ago, there is no way I could have started or kept up a blog, so I have made progress even if I am still low and I am grateful for that. Sometimes it seems like there is no progress, but it is just slow. I am praying for you too and I hope you have a good day. Love and hugs, Lucy
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I am happy you believe in God. With mental illness it is hard to keep faith. It is for me too. It is hard for me at times to remember that God is always with me, especially when I am at my darkest moments and my brain is truly not feeling like it is me inside myself. Be proud of yourself. You are a survivor and be proud of every tiny little step you take on your journey and you should be proud when you get out of bed in the morning. We have to remember to be proud of ourselves for each of our accomplishments no matter how big or small they are. I know it is hard. I have to remember these things too. Have a happy and healthy and fabulous day. Sue
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I agree it can be very hard. Sometimes you think ‘why did you do this to me, God?’ But I guess it is so that we have understanding and can support and help others. I hope you have a great day too. Lucy xx
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I believe wholeheartedly that there is a reason for everything and that God has a plan for me. It is just harder to remember that and to have faith when I am really severely deeply depressed. I think it is harder for people with mental illness to keep their faith in a way because our brains are not chemically balanced and at their best when we are having severe symptoms. When you have a physical illness your brain is still working the same so I find it is easier to remember to call upon the Lord… etc. There are many positives and blessings to having a mental illness and surviving severe struggles. They teach us about life and humanity…. Hugs, Sue
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Struggles do teach us a lot. I guess I am pretty rubbish at remembering to call on God. When I am very sad and depressed I just get angry at Him and then I getter sadder that I was angry at God who is always there for me. I do think I a, much more grateful for a better day because of the worse ones though, and I appreciate it more.
Wishing you a great day, Lucy
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Thank you Lucy. I need to always work on my faith as well. I wish mine was stronger. I still think it is more difficult with having mental illness etc. More hugs again and praying for a peaceful, happy and love-filled heart. Sue
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Yes. I think it is hard. I am also working on it. It’s so easy to doubt. Especially since I know the bible contradicts itself and everyone interprets Christianity differently, it’s hard to find your way through. I think we can’t know everything so we just have to trust God to show us the way and hope we get it right(ish). Lots of hugs and love to you too and I hope you have a good day…how are you at the moment?
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Thank you very much Lucy. I couldn’t survive without God. I need him often and find myself having to pray often and listen to worship music to help bring me back. WIth God I have hope. Right now I am struggling a bit and have have needed to pray a lot and listen to worship music today as that is what helps me overcome. I need God in my life and need to get closer to Him. When I am closest to God is when I am at my best and am most well.
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Hi Sue, I’m really sorry you’re struggling at the moment, is there anything I can do? It’s good that you know what helps you most, and that you can always turn to God for comfort. I often find praying at night when I feel the most depressed and sad really brings me closer to God. It’s like suddenly feeling that bit more whole again.
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Thank you Lucy. I am doing okay. It is the nature of my bipolar. I have rapid cycling and can switch from one extreme mood to another very quickly. I have learned to cope with my symptoms better and God is my answer and my hope. Plus, writing and this blog is so very therapeutic for me. It helps to write out my feelings and get feedback and it does help to know we are not alone in this. Thanks for always being there for me. It helps to know I am not alone. I appreciate it. I am there for you too. Have a happy and healthy day. Love, Sue
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I think it’s also great to learn about other similar illnesses because these things are far more common than people realise..I have still gotten the reaction of ‘mentally ill means mad’ from some people and even though I dint believe it, it really helps to hear from other people with similar/different experiences of mental illness. I am here for you.
love, Lucy
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There is so much stigma out there which comes from ignorance and people that are not educated about mental illness. That is why we must all educate and speak about it so people will learn and understand and can be compassionate and kind and treat people with mental illness with love, respect and dignity like we deserve to have. Bipolar, anorexia and all mental illness are nothing to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed. The only people that should be ashamed are the people that are shaming others with mental illness. Pl;ease never be ashamed Lucy. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have an illness and that is not your fault. Hugs, Sue
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Thank you. I often find it difficult to remember it’s not my fault. People, especially in my years at school, have made me feel as though my problems are trivial. Unlike other young people I had nothing to show like parents‘ divorce or bereavement. I was severely bullied but not openly. Girls can be subtle. They exclude and make comments that could be seen as harmless by an onlooker but are targeted to damage. In addition, I was in a school where I didn’t fit in. I was on a scholarship, I’m half German, I loved school work and music… all these things were against unspoken rules. The adults I asked for help when I got ill behaved as though I was making a fuss about nothing or didn’t believe me. They didn’t notice I wasn’t coming to classes anymore and self harming badly etc. I think that the anorexia was coming a long time. It’s a mental illness and I had it long before it showed physically. I don’t fit the stereotype of a depressed person so they assumed I was making it up or exaggerating. I spent so many hours alone in a really bad state that is pretty indescribable. I think these things leave their mark. You have to be very strong not to doubt yourself when everyone else says you’ve got nothing wrong with you and I still doubt it sometimes.. but I would never make such things up. Somehow it always makes me feel ashamed even though it’s true, I’m even diagnosed which was hard enough. I still tell my parents there’s nothing wrong with me sometimes. But you’re right not to be ashamed and I don’t want to be anymore either. Love, Lucy
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Nothing to be ashamed of. Shout it out at the rooftops. “I have a mental illness and I have depression and I have Anorexia and I am not ashamed. I am a great wonderful important and valuable human being and person and beautful young lady and I am so strong, stronger than most people will ever have to be. I am alive and every day that I am alive is a huge accomplishment and I am good!!!!” Tell yourself that every day. Celebrate you and celebrate everything about you. Be proud of yourself for surviving and for every little thing you do. You are awesome. Mental illness is a real illness. No one would doubt you were ill if you had diabetes so tell them to shut up… in a nice way of course. More hugs, Sue
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Thank you so so much. This has helped me more than anything anyone has ever said. They always deny everything/insist I must be better by now. I think they just do not understand it at all and I don’t understand it all myself. Sometimes I am totally full of energy but still feel down and sometimes I can barely move because I’m so tired. I’ve been thinking that when I am not in a really bad depression phase I seem to have far more energy than most people. It’s strange. How are you at the moment? Love,
Lucy ❤️
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If you are depressed that is most likely why you have no energy. When I am severely depressed there are days I cannot get out of bed and cannot even take a shower. Depression depletes all of your energy. I can’t take a shower because it is just too much work. That is what depression does. It zaps your energy away. I always say when I am depressed, I do not feel sad, I feel dead. I feel like I have no emotions whatsoever. I feel nothing which is worse than feeling sadness I think. I am so sorry you are not doing well and I am very sorry you are having suicidal thoughts. I have had them many times. They seem to just go with my depressions. Please be very careful with your suicidal thoughts. They are nothing to mess with and you if you feel they are getting too scary for you it is okay to go to the hospital for safety reasons. I have been hospitalized numerous times in my life and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Again you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have an illness that is very severe and is in the organ called your brain. It is an illness like any other illness. Sometime the illness is in your heart or your pancreas or your lungs or kidneys or your blood… ours is in our brains. It is a real illness and it is not your fault. You did not cause it. Please get help if you need it. I ham happy your family is supporting and trying to help and understand as best they can. Please take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers always. Love and hugs, Sue Oh and I am doing pretty well at the moment. Thank you very much for asking dear.
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Hi Sue,
Where I am in the uk, there is sadly no hospital care. The only way to get any is to be in the system of the ‘adult mental health services’. I was of course, but even then there are long waiting lists and you only get hospitilised if you’re a danger to others. If you’re a danger to yourself no one cares. We went to A and E once because I was so suicidal. We sat there from 6pm till 4am till we saw a psychiatrist who said there was nothing he could do. I was so exhausted by that time that I just slept. Out patient services are worse. All the professional I saw degraded my illness, said there was nothing wrong etc. The wait between appointments was months and they kept messing up The timings. The country has no money and and the national health service is collapsing…I’m assuming you’re not in the uk, Sorry. I’m lucky that my Dad is great at dealing with things but I do worry about all my family. I have no treatment now because my anxiety was made worse by it. They caused more suicidal episodes than they removed.. I’m sorry you have them too. Love,
Lucy
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I am so sorry to hear that there is no good mental health care for you in the UK. I think it must be much worse in the UK than it is here. However, mental health care is not good in the US either, especially not where I live. It is a smaller town and ever since my Psychiatrist left I have not gotten a new one. The ones here now are terrible and are so stupid when I saw them that I refused to get help from them because they would not be able to help me anyway. I only take one medication because I can’t take any due to adverse reactions and I get that one med. prescribed by someone at the County building, not a medical facility. I will never go back to where I used to go. The services are so bad there. I warned them two years ago that everything they are doing is wrong and is not helping anyone and suicides are going to increase in this area a lot and sadly I was correct. I guess there is a shortage of good Pdocs. The bigger cities I think have better care. However there are so many patients and people needing help that it is hard everywhere I think. I was just so blessed to have had the best Psychiatrist in the world that saved my life before he had to retire because his own illness became too severe. l am alive today because of him, He was such a good caring compassionate man. I told him he was Jesus like and he would get so embarrassed, but he was because he did God’s work through his genius and compassion and he saved lives. He would even call me at home at 9 at night sometimes if he was worried about me. I am still alive today only because of what he did for me for 20 years of my life under his care. I learned so much from him and I remember his words to help me with my continued recovery. Wow! Sorry didn’t mean to ramble on about that for so long. I am so sorry you are not getting care. I received help and learned from it back then. I had no other supports besides him ,however, as my family does not give any support whatsoever. But enough about me. I will pray for you, l am so sorry you are doing so poorly. I am worried about you and wish there was something I could do for you. I was lucky to have gotten help earlier and now I feel more equipped from what I learned to tackle this on my own because I have to. Me and God will do this. There is no one else. But I feel like it is harder when you are young and it is all so new. Plus you have a lot to deal with. Sometimes from what I have read from you and I saw that map. I wonder if you have bipolar possibly. To be diagnosed with that you would have to have had a manic type episode though… but you said you have tons of energy sometimes more than others. It is so hard. I wish I could help I do not know. Depression is so hard and painful and you are battling depression and anorexia and anxiety at the same time with suicidal ideations. It is horrific and unbearable. Please be strong. Try to distract yourself if you can that is all I can think of right now. Pray pray pray pray and pray some more and listen to worship music and write. That is what helps me when I have suicidal thoughts. I know it is hard to believe and remember this when you are in the middle of it but it will get better. It does. I have been there too many times to count. I am not saying our situations are the same because they are not at all. No two people’s situations are the same so I do not know your pain I can only relate it to mine and I know it is so horrific. Just know I am there with you even though we are far apart in miles I am with you and loving you in spirit and with all of my heart. I am right there with you trying to battle through it with you because I know that kind of pain and it hurts me to know you are there. I pray you will feel better soon. Remember to give yourself credit for every little thing you do and even what you can’t do. You are a survivor. If you can go to the bathroom, celebrate it. I am serious. Celebrate everything about you. You are a beautiful and strong survivor and everything about you is GOOD!!!! Lotsa love, huge hugs and many blessings, love always Sue.
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It’s great that you had someone who was so supportive. I did too once. I’ll email you about that and the bipolar stuff because I don’t really want it public at the moment. I so sorry that you don’t have care at the moment either, but in my opinion bad care is worse than none. Do you ever still see your old psychiatrist? Thank you for all your kindness and love, I need it. At the moment things are very strange, half the time I am disassociated and just stare at empty space and I can’t really talk or look at anyone. Other times, like now, I’m just tired but not suicidal…I don’t really know what’s going on but last week something changed. We went to our new shopping centre which has been rebuilt. I was excited to see it but when I went I just wasn’t all there… this has happened before but it’s much worse now…I just feel like I’m in a dream and my brain is really slow. Then at other times it’s really fast and others can’t always follow. Not sure what is going on. I hope you are ok. Loads of love and hugs,
Lucy
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Unfortunately I can’t see my old psychiatrist as he had to retire because of a severe illness of his own. I pray for him all the time and pray he is well. I wish I could talk to him and see how he was doing etc. I wish I had his address so I could send him a thank you card and Christmas cards etc.and I would love for him to see my blog. If your grandfather had bipolar, you have more of a chance of having it as well. It definitely runs in families. There is a genetic factor. I have mental illness on both sides of my family. Ugh. Try not to worry about what is going on. You might have bipolar and it does help to know what you have in the sense that it is nice to know what it is happening as much as you can with a mental illness because it can help you cope and learn to accept it and than begin your road to recovery a bit better and sooner. After having this for so many years of my life. Remember I am old. It does help and become easier as far as knowing what to expect and learning how to cope with recurring symptoms. It is still not easy of course, but it helps. If you have bipolar than they do give different medications but they nearly killed me and I am a person that medications never helped and I feel made me worse due to adverse reactions and adverse side effects but everyone is different with medication reactions. So knowing what you have helps because it can help you cope. Try not to worry about not knowing what is going on but just go with it. Go with what is happening. Try to deal with the here and now and cope with it the best you can and FIGHT IT. Just keep fighting the battle. It will get better. I just do not know how long it will take. Please still try to find some help somewhere there in the UK. I thought the UK was good before with mental health care because I love Prince Harry and Prince WIlliam and Princess Kate as they acknowledge mental illness and talk about it and talk about how we need to improve things and get rid of the stigma etc. I guess I was wrong. So sorry. Mental health care needs to improve EVERYWHERE NOW and fast. I am doing pretty well at them moment. Praise God. I am getting a bit too hypomanic but I accept that and can live with it. I like my hypomania but have to watch it so I do not get too high, fast moving, racing rapid thoughts, unable to sleep etc. Just so you know, sometimes antidepressants increase manic symptoms in people with bipolar. Another tidbit of inof. for you is that I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was 30ish after the birth of my first baby. I had onset postpartum bipolar. It is going to be in my memoir and is on my blog somewhere… Keep fighting and stay distracted and pray. Love and hugs, Sue
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Nighttime is very difficult for me. I can really relate to this post. I will be distracted by so many intentional distractions during the day but at night that switch in my brain flips and I go to dark and scary places that leave me unsettled and afraid of the moment, the night, the next morning. Typically I wake up the next morning and the switch has flipped itself and I find myself thinking why on earth did I worry all night long about THAT! Yet It happens the next night too. It is a helpless out of control feeling really. Years of therapy and psychiatry have not seemed to fix it. But I haven’t stopped trying.
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Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you go through sleep struggles as well, but I appreciate you sharing it with me as it helps me to realize I am not alone. I pray you will have a peaceful sleep tonight and tomorrow and the next night etc. Hugs and many blessings and happy and peaceful days and evenings and have peaceful slumber every night. Sue
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I hope the same for you!!!!!
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Thank you.
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