Beyond Hopeless – and a poem

I wrote the following poem titled Hopeless for a poetry contest with the theme of pain. Although I am blessed to not be hopeless today, I have been hopeless too many times in my life and have also reached “beyond hopeless” if that is at all possible.

I think there is a beyond hopeless and I crossed the line of “beyond hopeless” when I attempted suicide. There cannot be anything more hopeless then attempting suicide.

Maybe the definition of suicidal could be summed up as simply “beyond hopeless.”

Are there degrees of hopelessness? I believe there are and, sadly, I have experienced all of them. Reaching the state of suicidality that you actually attempt suicide is at the lowest level and worse degree of hopelessness. There is nothing beyond that. Nothing further you can do to reach the pits of hell. That’s it.

There is no worse feeling than not having one speck or glimmer of hope. When a person attempts suicide and is ready to die and leave earth forever there is no worse feeling than that. Being void of hope is the lowest of lows. All attempts to find hope have been extinguished.

When the flame of hope is burnt out and turned to ashes–living is impossible at that moment and life is put to rest by attempting suicide.

Today. Praise God. I am anything but hopeless.

I am the opposite of hopeless. Is there a word for that?

I am blessed to feel the antonyms of hopeless: encouraging, promising, curable, fixable, rectifiable, repairable, reparable, salvageable, curable, reclaimable, redeemable, reformable, remediable, retrieveable, saveable…

I hope all of you are feeling or soon will become the other side, the opposite and the antonym of hopeless.

This is a poem I wrote for a contest about pain…

I hope you like it.

Sorry it is not very uplifting of course, but hopefully it will awaken and touch the depths of your emotions–understanding what despair is but coming out on the other side of joy.

Isn’t that what poetry is supposed to do? Help you get in touch with your own emotions and those of others. Poetry expresses a quality of beauty and intensity of emotions.

To feel is to come alive. ~Susan Walz

Hopeless

Loneliness engulfs me.

Deep dark hollowness

echoes ghoulishly within the marrow of my bones

as painful memories haunt the cobwebs of my soul.

 

Thunder booms of silence

rumble in the sky between my ears

while the storm of depression

suffocates my wind.

Vibrations of despair

absorb my will to live,

while emptiness fills the void

between my wounded walls of shame.

 

Blinded by pain,

 sign language is all I hear.

Braille feels flat, wheels are square,

and my breath has no air.

~written by Susan Walz

But…

Recovery is possible.

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As you can tell from that poem I will always be in touch with the feelings of hopelessness. They are not far removed from me.

Maybe I am blessed to know how being hopelessness feels because it helps me be more aware, compassionate and caring with others. I work with Alzheimer’s patients and the pain and struggles I went through help me work more effectively with others better than I ever have. I am so much more in touch with my feelings and those of others. I understand more what matters in life and what doesn’t.

I have learned how to let silly things go. Things that would have bothered me in the past, don’t bother me like they used. I am happy to be alive and know I cheated death, so it easier to let the trivial things go.

I face death at work every day. I am surrounded by people that are living their last days. I am blessed to be able to help them make the last of their days be the best they can be. My ability to deal with death and love others at work and in my daily life has improved and become much easier for me because I too have faced my own death.

Feeling dead while I was alive

helps me enjoy the beauty of living.

Facing death

helps me understand life.

Knowing God literally saved my life,

helps me understand each minute of every day of my life

is a blessing and gift to cherish.

Understanding death helps you LIVE.

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© 2019 Susan Walz | myloudwhispersofhope.com | All Rights Reserved

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