Stained Glass Windows – Two Poems (of sorts) and Thoughts about PTSD

My stained glass windows have been shattered today, but I will reassemble myself bigger, better, brighter and stronger than I was before. God will help me, so I will make it through once again.

I am trying to positively self talk myself into fighting through my PTSD symptoms I am experiencing right now. My PTSD symptoms were triggered today after just hearing my father’s voice and then worsened after seeing him. I haven’t seen him in over two months. I knew it was going to be bad and difficult for me when I saw him, so I tried to avoid this situation but couldn’t avoid it today.

Being in my father’s presence for about thirty minutes was beyond horrific, even though the closest I got to him was being in the next room. I dissociated and had panic attacks and severe anxiety just from seeing my father’s face and hearing his voice—just from his physical presence. This is what PTSD is for me now without any psychotropic medications.

After I see my father, is the only time I feel the strong desire and need for a Benzo or some medication. The side effects for me from Benzos and other psychotropic medications are too severe, so I  must ride this out. I do not need to see my father ever again. He is not a kind man anyway. He even said something rude to my youngest daughter after only ten minutes. He thinks he is funny but he never is. My father does not and has never played well with others. 

These are two poems I wrote yesterday when I was feeling better. Today I am trying to positive self talk myself through this episode. I will survive this. It’s just not any fun right now, to say the least.

Soon my stained glass window will be shining beautifully from the light within my soul.

I am attempting to encourage myself, will myself to be well again. I am working on it and I hope you keep fighting the fight and keep keeping on, as well.

I hope you like my poems. I am not sure about them, but thought I would share them anyway…

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Stained Glass Window

I can bend and am much more flexible than I think.

But when I break I can be reassembled into a better version of myself.

From my brokenness and many shattered glass remnants,

God transformed me into a beautiful stained-glass window.

~written by Susan Walz

A Mosaic of Life

My lifetime of brokenness turned into a masterpiece created by God,

a beautiful stained-glass window,

a mosaic of life.

~written by Susan Walz

“If the body is a temple, then tattoos are its stained glass windows.” ~Sylvia Plath

I have many scar tattoos from years of self-injurious behaviors.

They remind me how strong and resilient I am and how much I’ve overcome.

My scar tattoos are like stained glass windows into my soul. ~Susan Walz

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Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved

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