This is a post for suicide loss survivors…
but it is also for everyone else in the world, as well. We are all connected to each other and we are all touched and affected by suicide, suicide attempts, suicide loss, mental illness and substance abuse.
We must all help prevent suicides by increasing awareness and knowledge, showing understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, love and care for those affected by suicide loss and mental illness.
We all need to love and accept each other just the way we are. We need to stop judging others, stop discriminating and stop shaming and blaming others for illnesses they have. Mental illness and suicide are not character flaws or weaknesses. Suicide is not a selfish act. Mental illness can sometimes be a terminal illness with suicide being the last and ending symptom.
That is why we must stop the stigma of mental illness and prevent suicides.
God made all of His children equally and loves us all the same. We are all sisters and brothers in Christ and we should behave as Jesus would want us to by loving each other and treating each other kindly, compassionately and unconditionally, just like Jesus would do.
Sometimes in life, events occur that fracture the very foundation on which we stand. Our life, as we have known it, is forever changed and we find ourselves in an unexpected struggle, first just to survive and then to move forward.
The Survivor Experience
It has been said that suicide is like a “grenade going off within a family or community,” In the aftermath, survivors are left profoundly wounded and deeply distressed. Many grapple with debilitating emotions, altered relationships, and challenging responsibilities. Each situation is unique, but some issues are commonly shared by survivors.
Research tells us that it is helpful to know about common survivor reactions. Being informed does not make the reactions disappear. That will take time … and probably a good deal of grief-work. It will help though, to know that what you are feeling is commonly felt by other survivors and that it is possible to survive and go beyond just surviving. On this page, you will find information about common survivor issues.
Shock
A suicide creates an immediate and gaping hole in the hearts and lives of survivors. Aftershock may reverberate long after the funeral is over. While friends and mourners return to their everyday lives, those closest to the deceased often struggle with painful emotions for a long time.
For many survivors, personal relationships become severely strained. For some, it becomes a struggle to leave the house and go out into the world. At times, it may be no easier to stay home with one’s family.
Survivors frequently suffer additional pain when they seek support from family, friends, neighbors, or community organizations and these individuals are unable to deal sensitively with what has happened. Whether intentional or unintentional, this lack of support has a profound impact on survivors who are already raw with grief and guilt. To make matters worse, some survivors report feeling “blamed” by those from whom they sought support.
Why
Survivors inevitably search for a reason, perhaps because having a reason might restore some small sense of control in a seemingly unpredictable world. Trying to understand “why” can occupy our minds for a long time. Ultimately many realize they may never know.
When survivors talk about their loved ones, it becomes evident that there is no one path or cause for suicide. Each story is unique.
Some who take their lives have struggled long and hard with previously diagnosed mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder. Others have never been diagnosed, but in hindsight, had many traits that fit these diagnoses.
Some have spoken of suicide at various points in their lives. Others never spoke of suicide or gave any indication of depression. Some suicides appear to be impulsive following a significant disappointment. Others seem more-planned. Many people who take their lives have alcohol or drugs in their system. Others do not. Some leave notes. Others do not.
It appears that each person who dies by suicide has reached a point where they can no longer tolerate their pain and suffering. Most don’t intend to leave behind a wake of pain and destruction. They are simply searching for a way out of an unbearable struggle.
Crisis Faith
In the aftermath of suicide, many survivors express doubt about previously held beliefs. Some question their relationship to God, religion or their spiritual community. Some find themselves angry: “God, how could you allow this to happen?” Others find comfort in their religion and the support of their faith community.
For example, this father wrote: “Several things helped us during the dark time that followed our son’s death. The support from our congregation was invaluable.”
Father Charles Rubey, founder of the Catholic Charities LOSS Program, is well acquainted with the grief of survivors. He writes:
“‘How could God do this to me?’ is a common question from survivors. ‘How could God allow my loved one to become so desperate that they would kill themselves?’ is another frequently asked question.
Grieving people seldom find answers from their religion during these times of extreme pain from the grief. I think that our faith and our religion will add a dimension to the grieving process, but it is not going to be a magical elixir that is going to take care of our grief. It only adds a dimension.
Religion is not the answer because grief is not a religious issue, but it is a human issue and religion is not going to take away the grief but it certainly will add something during the grieving process.
Obviously, I am not anti-religion but I don’t want anyone to be under the false illusion that religion is going to take care of the grieving process or that someone is going to worry that they are weak in their religion because they don’t find comfort during the grieving process. One cannot rely solely on religion to get through grief. There is much more to do in grief than pray. Religion and religious practices will certainly add this dimension but it should not nor cannot be a substitute for the grieving process.”
Anger
In the aftermath of suicide, survivors feel many strong emotions, sometimes moving from one to another fairly rapidly. Anger is an integral part of the traumatic and complicated grief process. Sometimes, survivors experience displaced anger. They feel upset, dissatisfied and irritated.
“My life is very out of control right now. It seems like everything bothers me and I have zero tolerance or patience with anybody in my life. I would like somebody to talk to me, to help me out, but when they do, I criticize them because they don’t say the right thing or do the right thing or because their tone of voice just seems so ‘annoying’ to me.”
Sometimes, anger is focused at individuals who may have hurt their loved. It can also be focused at mental health professionals or others who are insensitive to their grief.
“I’m not angry with my son. I”m angry that a death occurred and that the death was a suicide. I’m angry that I can’t cope with my grief. I’m angry that everyone’s life is going on and mine is not. I’m angry that I did not see this coming. I’m angry at the people who gave him the gun. I’m angry they seem to have no sadness or remorse.”
Although some survivors say they have never felt anger towards their loved one, most do at some point.
“When he took his life, I am sure that he did not think for one minute about the consequences of what he was about to do. He would not have thought about how I wake every night with thoughts running through my head about his death, the pain, the anger.
God, sometimes I feel so angry.”
Sometimes months or years go by before someone experiences anger.
“I think I’m finally angry at him, after five months. I’m mad, sad… he took my best friend with him… all my hopes and dreams; he took our future too, and left me with this awful flashback of finding him. I’m mad he was so weak. He really had nothing to be sad about. He had money, a beautiful family, a home, toys, work, everything… except this awful psychosis and minor bipolar disorder that no one knew about. I’m just angry at the world and don’t like anyone or anything except my child.”
“I finally got angry after three years. I was in so much grief, loss trauma and shock. I was just numb and in a fog for three years. It finally all welled up in me and I wrote pages and pages that I plan on burning. I am hoping I will feel all the other emotions since I let loose with the anger.”
Invariably survivors feel guilty or conflicted when they do experience anger.
“My husband left me with a lot of unfinished business. I was sitting this morning wondering how he could do that to me and then I think that sounds selfish and I get mad at myself for feeling that way. Too many different feelings. Yesterday was a good day. Last night was horrible. This morning I just feel sick to my stomach and I want to crawl in a hole. It’s the fact that they made the choice to leave us. To walk out on us. I get very conflicted sometimes just thinking about it.”
Sadness, Depression, and Despair
Sadness, depression and despair are common and almost inevitable following the loss of a loved one by suicide. In the beginning, survivors are not in control of their emotions. Pain is so great that it is difficult for many to find hope or envision a future that holds any happiness.
Most survivors say that until they experienced this kind of loss, they had no idea that pain could be so deep. Many mental health professionals still do not understand the depth of pain felt by survivors.
“The pain is just overwhelming. At times it takes my breath away and I think how can I survive? This is just too much to be able to bear.”
“I keep losing myself. I start doing things around the house and then can’t remember what I was doing. My mind just wants to shut down. I manage to go on but it doesn’t seem real, like I’m in 2 different places. I miss her so very much that it feels as if my soul has been ripped apart.”
“I wasn’t prepared for this to happen. (How could anyone be?) I can’t come to grips with this event. I want my boy back. I don’t want him gone. I feel so sorry and regretful that I couldn’t stop this. I feel so tormented by my son’s suicide. I feel so ill when I think about never seeing my son again… ill, like there is a cinder-block on my chest… ill, like my throat is closing up. I cried all day today. I want this not to be true. All I want is my beloved son back and it is not going to happen and I’m devastated. The pain and sorrow keep getting worse and worse. My heart is broken beyond repair. I feel so dead inside, yet so full of the most incomprehensible emotions I have ever experienced in my whole life.”
Because the pain is so great, many survivors have thoughts about ending their own lives. Sometimes they feel that will allow them to join their loved ones. They will say things like:
“While I manage to get through the days, because I have to, I’m mired in guilt and grief and just don’t see any reason to go on myself.”
“The pain hurt so bad then and still today, that I want to die, not that I would kill myself, but if a truck pulled in front of me it would be fine.”
Loss by suicide is traumatic. The grief experienced is unlike any other. It commonly leaves people with very real invisible wounds. Our bodies go on hyper-alert. Our serotonin levels plunge. We are left with debilitating symptoms of depression as well as post-traumatic stress that last longer than we would like them to. It is wise to seek professional help. You do not have to travel this journey alone.
In the beginning survivors wonder if they will ever experience joy or contentment again. Survivors who are further along in their healing journey are quick to speak up, with reassurance that the pain does soften and diminish. People do survive loss by suicide and even eventually go beyond just surviving to once again have happy, meaningful and contributory lives, but surviving is not easy. In the aftermath of loss, survivors are forever changed. They must travel an arduous and painful journey, grieving the loss of their loved one and rebuilding their lives.
Love
Beneath all the feelings of shock, guilt, anger and grief, there is an underlying love that survivors have for the one who has departed. It hurts so much because we loved them so much. They will never cease to be deeply treasured parts of our families and our lives.
Fr. Charles Rubey writes about this love:
“Because there is such deep love for these dearly departed people, I am suggesting that survivors concentrate on the fact that their loved ones are no longer struggling but are at peace. Try to imagine them totally at peace and free of pain.
We want only what is best for our loved ones and freedom from pain for these tortured souls is a gift beyond measure. Granted there are other means to achieve freedom from pain such as medication or other types of therapy but these loved ones honestly and sincerely thought that the only way out of this ocean of pain was to take their life. They were not acting out of malice. They were acting out of desperation.
Granted that they left behind a wake of pain and disruption. They did not want this effect. Their mind was so distorted and engulfed in pain that they thought that they were doing the right thing. They had no idea of the destruction that they were leaving behind.”
Members of our community frequently express their love:
“Why does it hurt so much? Because we loved them so much. Our children became a part of our lives and from the moment they were born brought us joy, happiness, laughter, amazement, sometimes tears and anger, frustration… ”
“The love of my life shot herself. I’ve never been a religious person, not even a spiritual person. However, I’ve found myself talking to her on a daily basis, telling her that I love her and how sorry I am for everything.”
“I sat awhile at the grave site. I don’t cry when I go there anymore. If it’s possible, I think I am cried out. But I talk to him and tell him I love him. The funny thing is when I was leaving the cemetery, I saw deer which is odd because it’s in a built up area. I just watched them and said: Thank you. They are beautiful. Where we used to live we would watch the deer in our backyard all the time.”
Traumatic Grief and Post-Traumatic Stress
Traumatic losses such as the death of a loved one by suicide are far outside of what we normally expect in life. The reactions of suicide survivors often include and go beyond normal grief reactions in severity and duration.
Many survivors experience symptoms of post traumatic stress. Many counselors would say “these are normal responses to abnormal events.” Recovery from these symptoms is a gradual process. Most survivors find that as time goes on, reactions become fewer and less intense.
Common reactions include:
• Distressing recollections of the death
• Distressing dreams about the event
• A feeling of reliving the experience
• Feeling numb
• Feeling emotionally detached from other people
• Always feeling “on guard”
• Difficulty working
• Difficulty in social situations
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hypervigilance
Some survivors have a more difficult time healing. They develop more severe and lasting symptoms which are diagnosed as “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” (PTSD) There are many positive ways to cope with symptoms of trauma. A trained professional, experienced in suicide loss or treatment of traumatic grief, can be very helpful.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is defined in DSM-IV, the fourth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. For a doctor or medical professional to be able to make a diagnosis, the condition must be defined in DSM-IV or its international equivalent, the World Health Organization’s ICD-10.
The diagnostic criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are defined in DSM-IV as follows:
A. The person experiences a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
- the person experienced or witnessed or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others;
- the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.
B. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in any of the following ways:
- recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts or perception
- recurrent distressing dreams of the event
- acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (e.g. reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those on wakening or when intoxicated)
- intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
- physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma) as indicated by at least three of:
- efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings or conversations associated with the trauma;
- efforts to avoid activities, places or people who arouse recollections of this trauma;
- inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma;
- markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities;
- feeling of detachment or estrangement from others;
- restricted range of affect (eg unable to have loving feelings);
- sense of foreshortened future (eg does not expect to have a career, marriage, children or a normal life span.
D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma) as indicated by at least two of the following:
- difficulty falling or staying asleep;
- irritability or outbursts of anger
- difficulty concentrating;
- hypervigilance
- exaggerated startle response
E. They symptoms on Criteria B, C and D last for more than one month.
F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
The Journey
Many people speak of the time following loss as a journey. It is not an easy journey and no one chooses it. Survivors must mourn, question and rebuild their shattered lives. For many though, there is an unexpected gift: “a bond among survivors, which pierces through the isolation and the fear.”
Carla Fine writes about this gift:”
Unlike our loved ones, whose pain was so enveloping that they were unable to hear our shouts of help, we refuse to be exiled by despair. As we reach out to others, we discover inner strengths we never knew existed. Although we did not ask for this test of our endurance and would reverse the circumstances if given the choice, we discover that we are more resilient, less afraid, more empathetic and understanding as a result of what has happened to us.”
Secondary Wounds
A suicide creates an immediate and gaping hole in the hearts and lives of survivors. Aftershock may reverberate long after the funeral is over. While friends and mourners return to their everyday lives, those closest to the deceased often struggle with painful emotions for a long time.
For many survivors, personal relationships become severely strained. For some, it becomes a struggle to leave the house and go out into the world. At times, it may be no easier to stay home with one’s family.
Survivors frequently suffer additional pain when they seek support from family, friends, neighbors, or community organizations and these individuals are unable to deal sensitively with what has happened. Whether intentional or unintentional, this lack of support has a profound impact on survivors who are already raw with grief and guilt. To make matters worse, some survivors report feeling “blamed” by those from whom they sought support.
Secondary wounding can occur in a number of ways:
Denial and Disbelief: When survivors relate information about the suicide or subsequent events to others and they are not fully understood or believed. For example, they are sometimes told “that couldn’t have really happened that way. You were just confused.”
Discounting and Minimizing: When the pain of survivors is dismissed and they are made to feel that there is something wrong with them. Some survivors are made to feel It’s time to get over it. Comments might include: “How could you be surprised? You knew he was depressed!” and “At least you still have other children.”
Blaming Survivors: When people communicate overtly or covertly: “Well, maybe if you hadn’t… “You should have never… “That’s what you get for….”
Treating survivors, their family, and their loved one as defective or dysfunctional:
These are all ways of making survivors feel they do not have a right to their pain. It is a way of saying there is something wrong for letting the pain get control.
Because survivors are already so raw with grief, they have little resilience. The pain, disappointment and anger which is generated at these times becomes entangled in the original pain and can live on for years.
The grief from suicide is painful and the healing journey is long. Survivors suffer terribly and have a right to mourn in their own time and in their own way. The torturous pain will not last forever. Life will never be the same, but healing does and will occur.
Survivor Rights
The survivor has the right:
- to know the truth about the suicide, to see the body of the deceased, and to organize the funeral with respect to one’s own ideas and rituals.
- to consider suicide as the result of several interrelated causes that produced unbearable pain for the deceased: suicide is not a free choice.
- to live wholly, with joy and sorrow, free of stigma or judgment.
- to have his or her privacy respected as well as that of the deceased.
- to find support from relatives, friends, colleagues and from professional helpers who have knowledge and insight in the dynamics of bereavement, potential risk factors, and in the administrative consequences.
- to be contacted by the clinician/caregivers (if any) who treated the deceased person.
- to not be considered as a suicide candidate or as a patient.
- to place one’s experience in the service of other survivors, caregivers and anyone who seeks to better understand suicide and suicide bereavement.
- to never be as “before,” there is a life before the suicide and a life afterwards.
Stigmatization
There is still a stigma related to suicide, born of hundreds of centuries of misinformation and misunderstanding of mental illness. Many people find the subject of suicide difficult and will make every effort to avoid it. Many survivors struggle with what to tell others.
In the past, many survivors felt isolated, without the opportunity to speak about their loved one. Today, survivors generally are able to acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide and be listened to with compassion. Courageous survivors who have shared their loss, have paved the way for others to share long-concealed stories of suicide in their own families. Ultimately, each survivor must decide what feels right to share with others.
One remaining source of stigma is the stereotyping and misunderstanding of mental illness and suicide. Many people mistakenly conclude that mental illnesses stem from severe family dysfunction or weakness of character. In most cases, nothing could be further from truth. Mental illnesses typically develop in the same way as other genetic illnesses like cancer, diabetes or heart disease. Sadly, sometimes in retrospect, we see that our loved one suffered from a terminal mental illness.
Raising Consciousness by How We Speak
There is currently a movement to raise consciousness about the language we use to describe suicide. Some believe expressions such as “committed suicide” and even “completed suicide” perpetuate a historical stigma that is irrelevant to our understanding of brain and biochemical illnesses such as depression. They suggest “died by suicide” or “died from suicide” are better choices.
A similar concern exists for the idea and wording that an individual “chooses to die by suicide.” In question is whether, given our current paradigm of mental illness as a leading factor for suicide, the word “choice” is appropriate. If a person is suffering a deep depression or other mental illnesses, is he or she really “choosing?
The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors provides healing support for people coping with the shock, excruciating grief and complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one to suicide. We hope that you will find resources here to help you deal with, and eventually heal from, what may well be the worst pain you will ever feel.
It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives.
This site was designed by survivors for survivors. The culture here is one that recognizes and respects the courage and resilience of suicide survivors at all stages of their personal journeys.
We invite you to join our supportive community of survivors from across the world. You will find many friends here.
Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC Founder of “Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors”
http://www.allianceofhope.org/survivor_experience/
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month
So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…
Remember in September.
Prevent suicide yesterday.
Today, may be too late.
Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.
Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret.
Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.
If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions.
Together we can do this. It takes a village…
and this wonderful and beautiful blogging community…
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My Loud Whispers of Hope 