Remember in September Post #9. Prevent Suicide Yesterday. Today May Be Too Late.

“Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever betting better.” ~unknown

This post is to help you understand what it feels like to live with the destructive and debilitating pain of severe mental illness and suicidal thoughts. I hope it helps increase your understanding and awareness of mental illness and suicide.

Heroin Addicts’ Obituary and Writings Detail Lack of Choice and Absence of Joy

Delaney Marie Farrell, who died of an overdose on July 1, 2017.
Delaney Marie Farrell, who died of an overdose on July 1, 2017. (Obituary photo) By David Wenner

Some argue that heroin addiction is mostly about choice — a bad decision followed by repeated bad decisions, with the addict deliberately and continually choosing a quick high over healthy, normal existence.

But others contend people addicted to opioids, which include heroin and prescription painkillers, eventually need them just to avoid getting sick. It results in a life no one would choose, and from which all choice has been removed.

The obituaries and writings of overdose victims often support the latter view. One of the latest examples comes from the obituary of Delaney Marie Farrell, found dead on July 1 in a public bathroom at the Red Roof Inn along Route 15 in South Williamsport.

The first sentence of the obituary states the 23-year-old died “after a long and hard battle with drug addiction.” It goes on to describe a young woman known for her love of jokes and Oreo cookies and who had a loving family and plenty of friends, including 4,953 Facebook friends.

It also describes a person who loved to write, and who had shared a recent journal entry with her sister:

“Funny, I don’t remember no good dope days. I remember walking for miles in a dope fiend haze. I remember sleeping in houses that had no electric. I remember being called a junkie, but I couldn’t accept it. I remember hanging out in abandos that were empty and dark. I remember shooting up in the bathroom and falling out at the park. I remember nodding out in front of my sisters kid. I remember not remembering half of the things that I did. I remember the dope man’s time frame, just ten more minutes. I remember those days being so sick that I just wanted to end it. I remember the birthdays and holiday celebrations. All the things I missed during my incarceration. I remember overdosing on my bedroom floor. I remember my sisters cry and my dad having to break down the door. I remember the look on his face when I opened my eyes, thinking today was the day that his baby had died. I remember blaming myself when my mom decided to leave. I remember the guilt I felt in my chest making it hard to breathe. I remember caring so much but not knowing how to show it. and I know to this day that she probably don’t even know it. I remember feeling like I lost all hope. I remember giving up my body for the next bag of dope. I remember only causing pain, destruction and harm. I remember the track marks the needles left on my arm. I remember watching the slow break up of my home. I remember thinking my family would be better off if I just left them alone. I remember looking in the mirror at my sickly completion. I remember not recognizing myself in my own Damn reflection. I remember constantly obsessing over my next score but what I remember most is getting down on my knees and asking God to save me cuz I don’t want to do this no more !!! 

Her concluding words — “I don’t want to do this no more” — echo those of Aaron Cooley, a 27-year-old Kentucky man who died in March. Following his death, his family publicly shared some of his writings, including this:

“It rips my heart apart knowing its my actions and decisions that have caused a separation from my family. I’m a dope fiend, a heroin junkie, drug addict, or just cursed by a disease of the mind. It’s taking a toll on me…There seems to be no escape. Some of you will never fully grasp or comprehend this … I’m stuck, trapped, owned, miserable.”

Those are words written by someone who was addicted to heroin. Substance abuse and alcoholism are listed in the DSM-V Manual of Psychiatric Disorders as a mental illness.

More than 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness.

I wrote the following words about a year ago when I was fighting almost constant daily suicidal thoughts…

Even though I have never been addicted to heroine or opioids, I have been addicted to Klonopin, a Benzodiazepine. Plus, severe mental illness pain is similar. It is all horrific. I can feel their pain. I know the pain of wanting to die so much that all you can think about is death. The suicidal thoughts flood and overflow your mind and your thinking is irrational, but you feel at that moment in time that there is no other escape from the deep dark depths of suicidal thoughts and despair you are in. There is no other way out. Your brain is trying to kill you.

I know what it feels like to actually take that last step. I know how beyond horrific that kind of deep dark intense lonely pain and agony feels like to the core depths of your being. Life feels hopeless and all your spirit of living has vanished, disappeared and no longer exists. Life is gone. I feel as if I am already dead. I feel so very close to death that death seems like the only answer. I can see death. I can smell death and I can taste it. I know death. I want death. I am death. I am dead. Death is calling me and it is all I know in my broken brain and mind, body and spirit at that moment in time when suicidal thoughts overtake and overcome all my thoughts in my broken and non-functioning mind.

These are some of my thoughts and the thoughts of others, that enter into a severely broken mind. These are some of  my thoughts and the thoughts of people who are contemplating suicide. I have been there and I have attempted suicide numerous times and luckily, I was not successful and I survived my many suicide attempts.

Usually a person that loses their long fight and battle to survive and dies by suicide has had suicidal thoughts many times and/or for many years before their death by suicide. But, the last time the pain and the darkness became too much and mental illness and suicide won. They could not fight the extreme pain, agony, loneliness, demons, darkness, hopelessness and death any longer. They lost their very long and hard-fought battle of an illness they never asked for or wanted.

No one wants to die and leave the people they love forever. They don’t want to leave earth forever. They just want their pain to end and see no other way to end their pain. At the time, their perception of reality is miscued. Their brain tells them lies and the mind loses the battle within itself.

I am not in a severe suicidal depression right now. I have many times overcome the deep dark depths of my despair. I won and overcame again very recently as well. I won, beat suicide, survived again… and so can you.

Sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts and ideations. It will most likely be a lifelong battle for me because of the type of severe  bipolar 1 disorder, PTSD and other mental illnesses I have, but I will continue my fight to live. I will keep keeping on. God continues to save my life. Praise God. I am blessed and happy to be alive.

I wrote those words about a year ago. I am BEYOND WORDS blessed to be alive and I do not have suicidal thoughts any more. I have not had suicidal ideations for over four months since I overcame severe Klonopin withdrawals.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, I want to give you hope and inspire you to know that your pain will end. Suicidal thoughts will end. They will  not last forever. Please keep holding on. Keep fighting. Keep keeping on. You can make it to the other side. You can overcome. The pain will get better. Recovery is possible. I am living proof of that.

Suicide is not the answer.

 September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Today, may be too late.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions. Together we can do this. It takes a village…


Image result for world suicide prevention day 2018

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Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved

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