Darkness Swallowed Me Whole and Spit Me Back Out Again

I am reposting this from September 3, 2108 as there was a strange glitch on my blog with it… Sorry for any confusion…

Since September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I will be writing a post a day about suicide prevention and awareness, I started researching information and looking at old posts I wrote. It awakened thoughts and feelings of the past causing me to become more in touch with my past emotions and feelings of depression and severe mental illness pain.

Those feelings will always be a part of me. I will never forget what I have survived over many years of my life. This is not a bad thing, but is a blessing instead. It is always a great reminder of how resilient and strong I am and how far I have come. I am a survivor.

I am not depressed at all right now and have not been for over four months, since I overcame my Klonopin withdrawals. Knowing how depression feels will never leave me. It will always be a part of who I am. I can use this knowledge to help others and that is a wonderful blessing.

I believe a gift of living with mental illness is being able to understand and feel more.  We learn how to become more aware and in touch with deep inner feelings and emotions. Surviving mental illness causes one to feel and experience more and have a better understanding of your inner self, other people and life and death, as well.

You do not learn how to truly live until you experience a severe illness and come close to death. After you survive, you learn how to live for the moment and appreciate the purest beauty of living. ~Susan Walz

The gift and blessing of living with mental illness is it gives people the ability to feel and know more from experiences gained from learning how to survive great pain and obstacles. It helps you to become more aware of yourself and others. You must become more in touch with the human spirit. It becomes a necessity imperative for survival.

One of the greatest gifts that people have is the ability to empathize with others. Empathy is trait that not everyone is blessed with. Empathy is something that cannot be taught. If you are not born with a natural empathy, experiences must form it within yourself, heart and spirit to truly understand the emotions of others.

When my postpartum depression overcame me instantly after my daughter was born the most alarming and worst symptoms to cope with were feeling nothing and feeling a huge overwhelming emptiness inside me. I felt removed and detached from myself and others.  I didn’t have any emotions. Things that used to make me happy, smile or laugh did not. I didn’t even have anger. I felt nothing. I was empty and void of all emotions.

Soon my diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder. Living with bipolar disorder makes you feel more and at much deeper levels and extremes. Sometimes I thought feeling something was better than feeling nothing. Bipolar causes you to feel more than you want to most of the time, bouncing back and forth and around from extreme and varying mood poles of mania or euphoria, and varying levels of depression, but at least I could feel emotions and experience being alive.

Feeling depressed soon became a welcome feeling. Whenever depression visited, at first I sensed a familiar feeling, like an old friend of sorts had come back to visit. Of course, when my depression increased to a severe depression or suicidal depression, it was not a welcome feeling at all and was quite the opposite.

Image result for suicide prevention

This is a recent poem I wrote about depression. Even though I am not depressed right now, I will NEVER forget depression, what it is, what it does and how it feels. This is how I remember my depression…


Darkness swallowed me whole.

Invisible to the world.

I do not exist.


There is no light in my darkness.

Not even one star,

nor a glimmer of hope.


I cannot move

or barely breathe.

I have come undone.



Depression deflated

my air and life from within me.


I do not exist.

Invisible to the world.

Darkness swallowed me whole.

~written by Susan Walz

Darkness swallowed me whole and eventually spit me back out again. Praise God.

The beauty of this poem is that even though we as humans can experience and endure this amount of despair, we can also survive it. We can make it through. We can conquer and overcome many obstacles, struggles and illness. We are resilient. We are survivors.

The greatest beauty is that there is hope. I am living proof of that. If you are experiencing depression, please know that you can make it through even stronger than you were before. Depression and other mental illness pain will not last forever. Keep holding on. Keep fighting. Keep keeping on. You can make it to the other side and experience joy, love and peace again. You will see the brilliance of the sun shining again.


If darkness swallows you whole and you cannot see any light within your darkness, always remember this.

You are a shining star, but you just can’t see yourself yet.

You cannot see or feel the brightness of your beauty.

But, soon stars will be shining all around you

and you will be the brightest and most beautiful one.


Let God’s love will shine though you so brightly

that everyone around you will need to wear shades.

Image result for praise god. I can see the light again.


September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Today, may be too late.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions. Together we can do this. It takes a village…


Image result for world suicide prevention day 2018

suicide 25

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved

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