Introduction to my poem…
The following is a poem I wrote a year ago after getting two severe physical syndromes that began my quest to eventually become medication free in a less than desirable manner. For those of you that have been following my blog you know my scary and dangerous story. You can find out about these two syndromes from two blog posts I wrote a year ago. They are important posts to give awareness to the possible dangers of psychotropic medications and the importance of getting your blood levels checked regularly which I didn’t do enough apparently.
After discontinuing my bipolar medication, Trileptal, the only medication I was still taking in my medication cocktail was Klonopin. I took only Klonopin last year and always tried to decrease it from 5 mg to less. I made it to 3 mg a day but could never got below that. Klonopin withdrawal symptoms were too severe and I had to take my Klonopin. The severe side effects mimicked severe anxiety, depression and continuous suicidal ideations. I never realized that for a year I had unknowingly put myself in a state of perpetual continuous Klonopin withdrawal. It was a very difficult year to put it mildly.
After my suicide attempt they stopped my Klonopin cold turkey and I was forced into a severe state of Klonopin withdrawal symptom with unbearable symptoms lasting over two months. I am still medication free and have little to no anxiety. I feel most of my obstacles I face today are caused from mental illness, but not from the direct symptoms of mental illness itself but the damage mental illness and stigma caused in my life for over twenty-five years. Some of the many casualties from the war of my mental illness were losing my career, home, marriage, money, friends, dignity and identity. I am still picking up the pieces and trying to live the best possible life I can live.
I am trying to make this time in my life the best time in my life.
This was just a quick overview for the reason I wrote this poem a year ago and how I am doing today.
Now for a lighter moment—my poem.
I hope you like it.
Much love and hugs, Sue
Sink or Swim
My mind drifts,
floating,
fleeing,
flowing
aimlessly adrift.
Scattered thoughts
fill my mind,
swirling confusion,
questions flowing
freely inside of me.
What will I be?
What will become of me?
Who will I be
with a bipolar
medicine free brain
inside of me?
Bipolar medication
helps many,
but has always
been my enemy,
occasionally a frenemy.
For twenty years
and many tears,
I tried my best,
but failed the test
I tried them all,
combos, big and small,
purple, pink, blue, green
and everything in between.
Far and wide
I took the ride
on the bipolar medicine
bicycle, tricycle, cycle
trial after trial
for a long while.
Medicine treatment was a fail,
couldn’t keep up, swim or sail
No more meds for me,
recently became sick as I could be
sodium level dropped,
flopped and plopped
meds stopped.
I became unsalty
and faulty,
untasty,
and wasty,
pasty
and pale.
Body became bloated
from water that floated
throughout my body and being,
I was not a pretty sight to be seen,
water retained,
weight gained,
face and body puffy
softly full and fluffy,
too many long years
without medical mirrors
caused me to become very ill
from taking my Trileptal pill.
There are no more bipolar meds
left for me
none for me.
That was the last one,
my last chance,
my last hurrah,
the last straw,
hurrah, hurrah.
But wait,
I hesitate,
I don’t hate
my new fate.
I no longer have to play
the bipolar game of the day,
Eeny, meeny, miney moe
pick a med, here you go.
Take another and some more
oops wait that didn’t work,
try another,
and another.
We got many,
make you thirsty,
take another,
we got plenty,
make you fat,
we got a pill for that,
make you dizzy
your hair frizzy,
here try another,
we got more,
lose your hair,
more to spare.
Bipolar medicine didn’t work for me
too many side effects,
ill effects,
adverse reactions,
they just didn’t work for me,
couldn’t keep me afloat,
and I fell off the boat,
but I can swim,
here I go,
sink or swim,
I can swim.
~written by Susan Walz
My Loud B;polar Whispers
Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved
Hey Sue
Can i reblog this?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course of course of course. You can always reblog my posts. I love it when people reblog my posts as l I find it the best compliment ever. Thanks for reblogging. Hugs, Sue
LikeLike