It’s All Coming Back to Me Now (with two music videos)

One thing I haven’t been doing lately is writing about me. The personal me. The more intimate part of me. My thoughts, fears and struggles I have on a day-to-day  basis. I feel that part of me is missing on my blog. So I want to step back into that. I hope it won’t be boring.

I think I stepped away from it because I thought people were getting tired of hearing about me. When I share about me, I share my very honest deep thoughts of what I am thinking about at a particular moment. For so long, my thoughts were completely consumed with survival from my suicide attempt and my Klonopin withdrawal syndrome I was going through. I thought I was so negative and people were quite frankly sick of hearing about it. So, I stopped sharing that personal part of my life even though I have been still recovering from the symptoms.

The Klonopin withdrawal was horrific, but I am beyond blessed to have overcome what I did and much sooner compared to some people’s stories I researched and read. One day, I will write a detailed post about Klonopin withdrawal and my progression and experience with it. I found out the hard way that withdrawal symptoms, at least mine, were mostly neurological and very problematic and difficult to nearly impossible to live with for a while.

After almost three months, I am still plagued with hyper sensitive nerves. I get startled super easy and get frightened at loud noises or rapid sights. I still have vision problems. My eye sight worsened and I have an appointment to get my vision checked and get a new eye glass prescription.  Additionally, my eyes are very sensitive to light.

I still tire easily and have joint problems and pain, more than before.  My brain had to learn to adapt, recharge, rearrange, adjust and become like new after over twenty years of Klonopin use. That changes a girl’s brain that is for sure. Now I am getting a new brain. It was hard to wait and go through the painful  and slow process of my brain seeming to die and become reborn again. It felt like that was what happened to me during this difficult period of my life.

However, everything that transpired during this very difficult past year of my life that brought me to my final suicide attempt was all worth it. When I look back over this past year, I see the story line of my life and it makes sense. It all needed to occur to bring me to this point of my life.

There was a reason for all of it. I am very happy that I can experience being psychotropic medication free right now. Life is brighter, more vivid and clearer. My memory is getting better, slowly but the great part is that I can notice improvement with my memory.

I am not looking through a foggy dirty tunnel. My vision of my life is no longer obscured. My thoughts are my own. So far it is working out splendidly. I am paying close attention to my symptoms and am under the guidance of a Psychiatrist I trust completely.

Everyone’s brains’ change over the course of our lives. People with bipolar disorder are no exception. Our brains change and transform like everyone else. I believe they can and will change for the better. Maybe my bipolar is finally at a new and improved phase. I believe it definitely has improved and my severe symptoms have finally lessened.

I know last year was severely and progressively problematic for me because I didn’t have a good psychiatrist or supports and I was trying to wean myself off Klonopin, which was unknowingly putting me in a constant state of withdrawal causing symptoms that mimicked severe anxiety, depression and delusions.

I am not on any medications to fight depression, anxiety or even bipolar, but I have no depression and very little anxiety. I am still learning what is normal and what isn’t. There is no explanation to explain my anxiety and depression dissipating after my suicide attempt and Klonopin cessation other than it is because I am no longer using Klonopin. I did nothing differently. No new medications or treatments were used. My brain changed on its own and is still adjusting without medications changing it for the first time in over twenty years.

I have also known and heard about other people who lived with bipolar for many years of their lives that stopped taking medications. They are living successfully without medications now. They still have symptoms to fight and live with, but the point is that it is possible to do it. I am not saying go off medications at all. This needs to be under the guidance and supervision of a psychiatrist. Don’t forget my brain and I are much older than most of you. Years back I did need medication and now for some reason that seems to have changed, thank God.

The message I want to give you is to always have hope. It can get better if you allow it to get better. It might not happen how, when or as rapidly as you want, but it will happen. Never give up.

Of course, I also believe, say and know that when there is no explanation that makes sense, it must be God. It has to be God. There is the power of prayer and healing. A few years back when I surrendered my life to God more completely than I ever have before, I had many people laying hands on me and praying for healing of my bipolar and other mental illnesses. My symptoms and life became better and easier than before, but I wasn’t completely healed. I often got on my knees and prayed deeply and intensely to God and with God.

Eventually, I accepted the outcome as it was. However, today I believe that I was already healed. God healed me to the point he wanted me to be healed, but the problem was unknowingly Klonopin was interfereing and hiding my new and healed brain. It took time for God to finally put the plan in order to get rid of my Klonopin. My suicide attempt made that happen. God saved my life and put a beautiful new plan in force for my life.

I am beyond happy and excited to learn to live with a new brain. I still have challenges and struggles, of course. I also have many new goals and milestones coming up in my life.  I will share those moments, both good and bad, more often on my hopefully new and improved blog.

Thank you for reading. Much love and hugs, Sue

This next video brings me back to my youth, many years ago.

I absolutely love Meat Loaf.  His music was my favorite.

This song reflects my new and improved memories and vision for my life.

“It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Meat Loaf

Here is the same song sung by Celine Dion

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved



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