I am Okay

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I am very sorry I scared everyone. I am in the psychiatric hospital in Rochester, Minnesota right now. I only get half an hour a day on the computer, so I will try to write as much and as well as I can in that little bit of time.

I think it was about a week ago now, when I took about 130 pills or more of mostly Klonipin, and handfuls of Ambien and Depakote, which I thought was a lethal amount. Unfortunately, I truly did want to end my life at that time. I was ready to die.

I prayed to God. He told me it was okay and that it was my time. I had suffered enough on earth. That was what my mind was telling me at the time. I asked God to give me a sign, any sign to stay alive and I did not see any. I knew it was my time to die. I was ready for it, completely ready in my mind and heart to die.

I felt completely at peace, a peaceful beauty overcame me.

It was as if voices were telling me to die. It was what I had to do. It was the lie my brain was telling me inside my mind. My perception was wrong, but my perception was all I had. My perception became my reality. I did not know at that moment in my life that my perception was completely wrong and was a lie. I was very ill and my illness had basically taken over my thoughts and actions.

I am very sorry I scared everyone. The letter was honestly not a cry for help. It was real.

I thought I was going to die and it would be the last time I would be able to type my thoughts and words.

I planned on taking all my pills and I knew I didn’t have much time left to write my letters. I wanted to write a letter to my children and all my blogger friends. So, that is what I did.

After I took all of my pills I waited as long as I could, before I hit the post button.

I forgot that the blog automatically goes to Twitter and Facebook, and I forgot to block that from happening, as I was not thinking clearly, obviously.

I am very sorry about that.

I have not had time to read your comments yet as thirty minutes of computer time does not allow much time for anything, other than writing a short and not very well written post.

Thank you everyone for caring and for your help and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I love you all.

Thank you again for caring so much. I love you all.

Many blessings, much love and huge hugs, always and forever.

Love, Sue

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. 




  1. My heartfelt sympathies for all that you have gone through. My God, I bleed for you. I have been at that place where no man can find us-the place of utter acceptance that our life has been a tragedy, we mean nothing to anyone here and that we are too far gone. All of these myths need to be addressed by a solid friend, pastor or professional. God bless you~

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bless you Sue. I am sure you will be able to share about your experience and help others. Its so good to know you are still with us. LIfe can be full of so much pain but there is so much love here in this community for you. Wishing you peace and a good recovery. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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