Living in My Grave Above the Ground (with Worship Videos Included)

My wounds are not superficial,

and I have become artificial.

Living a life that is not a real life,

pretending I am happy, when I am not,

pretending I am well, when I am not,

pretending to live, hoping I can survive when I cannot.

Living an artificial life, a nonexistent life.

I am not real or here,

only pretending to be alive,

so others can live.

How much longer can I live for others,

when I have no life left inside me?

I am not doing well as there is no treatment for me here.

La Crosse, Wisconsin does not help me or anyone,

and is a deathbed for those with mental illness.

My psychiatrist who saved my life for 25 years is no longer able to work,

and they now have no one that can help me or save me.

Their hospital, clinic and treatment facilities do not help anyone, but make you worse.

You cannot wait to be free from their services,

as you realize they are killing you,

worse than your own mind is.

I need someone to help me, but there is no one.

I have been living completely alone for far too long.

Isolating myself, deafening aloneness, and sadness increasing tenfold every minute.

No one to help me,

or support me,

no family that cares

or loves me

or gives a damn,

because I do not have real illness.

I do not have cancer or a brain tumor, so no one gives a damn that I am dying.

No family comes to help me in my home, or calls me or wants to be with me.

They leave me to die alone.

No one cares.

Bipolar disorder, PTSD and mental illness are is not superficial.

To the rest of the world mental illness appears to be artificial,

not real and invisible to you, so it must not exist.

But, I am here to tell you it is so painfully real, that I struggle to live.

No one gives a damn.

I have become artificial, not real. I have died again. Someone killed me.

My parents started my slow agonizing death years ago from the abuse they caused daily.

Physical, emotional, verbal, shaming abuse nearly everyday until young adulthood.

Wounding me beyond superficially, causing my PTSD.

Wounds that appeared superficial, but injured me much deeper,

broke and destroyed me from years of abuse and lack of love and support.

They are still unable to show they care, support or love me today,

and that continues to kills me…

Too hard to have no one. I am alone. I am dying and I am artificial.

My wounds are beyond superficial, cutting and destroying my spirit and soul.

Some of you have been blessed and know what happiness and love is.

You know what life is and can call this thing called life, living,

but I on the other hand cannot and do not know what living is.

I have died, only pretending to be alive so my children can live.

I have died and have been buried in my grave above the ground.

God I need you . I pray on my hands and knees.

“Need You Now” (Lyric Video) by Plumb

Lord I need You” (Lyric Video) by Chris Tomlin     

I am Sorry. I am having a really bad day and time lately. There are no more medications that I can take. I asked if my new Psychiatrist would give me an antidepressant to try again, but she wouldn’t and instead gave me another medication that I cannot take and it gave me adverse reactions again, like I told her would happen. I have been doing this for years and I told them I could not take a medication in that particular medication family or class and she said it was okay because it was a second class medication and it is new. Duh. Duh. Triple duh and ugh.

I had to stop that medication and had waited three months just get that last appointment. Now I will have to wait another three months to see her again and pray I can get some help.

That is how mental illness treatment is. This is why we are losing so many people to suicide. There is no help, even when you try to get it and want it.

Thank you for reading. I was hoping that typing and getting my feelings out would help. I am going to keep writing and pray I can write this illness out of my brain… or something. Ugh.

Please someone love me, support me, care and HELP.  I cannot keep fighting this much longer. It has been too long and it seems to never get better. Maybe one day or two and then crash again…

God I need you . I pray on my hands and knees.

I will write and listen to worship music and I will pray. I will try to keep fighting even though it is so hard, so hard, so much harder than anyone that has never had severe bipolar 1 disorder or PTSD or severe depression or severe suicidal depression can even begin to understand.

Oh, how I wish people would learn and would try to understand how painful, lonely, isolating, shaming and stigmatized mental illness is and treat people who have mental illness with kindness, compassion, respect and understanding and realize how serious it is … just like they do for most people who have CANCER or any other illness!

God I need you . I will continue to pray on my hands and knees… and I will sing and worship and praise you…

“You’re Gonna Be Ok” (Lyric Video) by Brian and Jenn Johnson

Copyright © By Susan Walz and – All written content and personal artwork is © and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.  (With the exception of the music videos, of course.)


  1. Do you realise how precious you and your efforts are to all of us??
    Whenever somebody who is suicidal comes to my blog i tell them to visit yours because of the love and effort you put in every word of your every single post.

    It’s such a selfless noble gesture. I admire you and your efforts. 🙂

    Hang in there… i have this believe one day we will get rid of this demon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Woah! You have a gift. You just made me feel really good with your comforting and encouraging and amazingly kind words. Your words mean ALOT to me. I will never forget them. They will always be very important and dear to my heart. I didn’t know you sent people to my blog. That is so awesome. Thank you. I pray I help other people. That is my passion. It hlelps me to help others. I never want others to feel like I have and sometimes still do. I try to be hopeful always, but sometimes this dang ugly bipolar beast bites me hard. When I am feeling a certain way like this morning I write straight from my heart openly and honestly exposing my deep inner thoughts and feelings, so others can understand what it feels like inside a bipolar brain and plus it is therapeutic for me to write it and get my deep dark scary ugly feelings out. My blog is my friend as I can share my thoughts openly and honestly and then wonderful people like you read my words and respond so kindly and lovingly. I fight and battle and keep fighting. I still struggle with these severe symptoms sometimes, but I try to keep fighting and always want to give other people hope and be an inspiration that there is hope and we can get better. I want to be an example of that, but I still have these moments and this is a bad one right now but I will keep fighting and with people like you it does help me ALOT to feel better. It is true that I have not been fortunate to have family support but it just makes me have to be that much stronger. This blog is so helpful to me. My writing has been saving my life. Plus God and my worship music is always my life saver and God has healed me to the point at times that he wanted me to be healed and he has saved my life numerous times. Hugs and huge blessings to you my friend. I love you for cheering me up. I needed it. You are an awesome person and so very kind and are doing great things by helping many people. Love, hugs and blessings. Sue


      1. Its difficult to open up. I have strong reasons to stay anonymous otherwise I would have surprised you by my own story.
        But then i say we all are stuck in something we cant do anything about. In my part of world the mental health is still something people are blind to. And it hurt really bad.
        Family support…i dont know..i think they dont understand. People who cant step into our shoes can never understand.

        But this place..this is home. The best people i could ever ask for. I keep on incorporating perks of reaching out and listening to people because this is the only way. Compassion is the best medicine.

        You arent alone here.
        You are on a great mission. Only very few people are chosen for such tasks.

        Just dont give up. We are here with u. You can drop a comment or contact me through contact form when ever you ffeel like.

        You are very important to this place 🙂

        Love hugs kisses prayers 🙂
        Take care of yourself

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you once again for making me feel good. You are cheering me up. Thank you. You have helped me. You said such uplifting words to me. I will keep fighting. I am a suicide attempt survivor but I refuse to ever go down that road again. I am going to keep fighting… symptoms are ugly and no fun but I must keep battling. You are so awesome. Thank you for helping me realize I am not alone. I love you for that. Saying things like I am important to this place helps a lot. I pray that is true. Thanks again and have a fabulous and happy and healthy day. Hugs, Sue


  2. You are brave. You are real. You matter. Thank you for keeping your head above water for just one more day. For us. When we all get to Heaven, we will be so surprised when all of our good deeds are finally revealed. You touch so many lives, most of whom you will never know. Be encouraged. You may not think that you got this, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I see you…I hear you…keep writing. We need you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I love you. Thank you for so many beautiful, inspiring, empowering and encouraging and kind words. You truly do not realize how valuable your words are to me and how they help me and give me more courage, hope and will and strength to keep fighting this awful illness. Thank you for that. I love all your words and they touched my heart and soul and helped me feel better. Every kind word helps me when I am in the middle a severe bipolar depression or any dark day. I just can’t say thank you enough. You have a beautiful heart, loving heart and a beautiful spirit. You are blessed and you blessed me with our words. Thank you. Love, hugs and many blessings, Sue By the way I am doing better today… with help from people like you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You have touched my life too, and even though I live on the other side of the world from you, distance is no barrier to God. You are touching the lives of more people than you realize – definitely don’t give up hope. Your miracle may be just around the corner!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you. Thank you for being so kind and saying these loving and heartfelt words to me (Or writing them rather, hahaha…). I have bipolar 1 with rapid cycling and mixed episodes and PTSD and more… My mood poles can switch extremely rapidly to sometimes dangerous places for no reason, out of the blue. Scary, but I am getting much better at fighting this on my own without having to be hospitalized or hurting myself in any way, like I used to many years ago many times… I write sometimes exactly as I am feeling openly and honestly at the moment in time I am in. Sometimes my words are very dark but that is how I am feeling and what my mind is telling me… I feel it and so I write it. I pray it educates others and helps them to know they are not alone… it is very therapeutic for me as well. My rapid cycling also sometimes helps me feel better quickly… even within the same day or the next day like today. I feel much better than yesterday and it helped me to hear such positive and uplifting and loving kind comments from people like you. You are blessed and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your many kind words. They mean more to me than you will ever comprehend. Thank you again and again… Have a fabulous, happy and healthy day. Hugs, Sue


      1. What an amazing response to my few words – now you have encouraged me!!! You have such a gift of communicating in writing. Tomorrow I hope to get together with a dear friend of mine and I will ask her if we can spend a little time praying specifically for you. I am sure you have had many prayers, yet God does answer and He loves you dearly so there must be something very special ahead of you !!!


    1. Thank you very much for your hugs across the miles and your very kind, uplifting and encouraging words. I appreciate them greatly. I have bipolar with rapid cycling and God has healed my mind enough so that I feel alive again. I praise God for every good moment I have. I know that God has saved my life numerous times and he is always with me even when I can’t see him or even know it in my mind when I am too sick to realize it. Being saved and having God in my life is what has made a big difference in my recovery. Thank you for your encouraging words. Many times I need prayer and to be reminded of God’s constant love for me. Your words are beautiful and you have a beautiful gift and compassionate and loving heart. Thank you again. Love, hugs and many blessings, Sue.

      Liked by 1 person

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