The best part about bipolar disorder is when you realize you have just overcome and survived another severe suicidal depression.
When you realize you have made it through and survived, there is nothing better than that. There is no greater feeling of utmost joy, happiness and satisfaction of knowing you are living life again. You feel alive once again and made it to the other side of the mood pole, going from lowest of lows back up to the higher upper end of the spectrum of bipolar mood poles.
I survived living through a serious severe deep dark ugly death-defying depression episode that made me feel like I was dead. I felt nothing except the deep dark agony and despair that is beyond comprehension and words. I was empty and void of feelings, emotions and life of any kind. I could not function and live my life again. I was full of hopelessness and thought I could not endure another moment of the severe pain I was in.
My suicidal depression was so severe that one evening, I even packed my purse full of the many medications I have and was going to leave my house to go end my life. My daughter saw me put the pills in my purse, so I knew I could not leave my house or the police would have been called and I could not go through that experience and be forced to go to the hospital. Plus, truly I still want to live for my children. I must survive. So, I put my pills away, hiding my stash again.
God is and has always been in my life protecting me, even though during my deepest dark suicidal depressions, I cannot feel his presence or comprehend that he even exists. My brain is not working properly, so my brain does not work or function well enough to resemble who I typically am in any way. My strong faith, I normally have vanishes as I disappear from my own reality of my life.
A person that has an average type of brain that goes through the normal ups and downs of life never experiences the extreme highs and severe dangerous and sometimes morbid lows of a person living with bipolar 1 disorder like I have. I suppose they are blessed because they do not have to live a life with bipolar disorder, but then they also never get to experience the beauty of extreme happiness and euphoria. They can never experience the colossal positive energy and emotion I feel knowing I survived death. I beat severe depression and death and I overcame.
There is no other greater feeling than knowing that you overcame death again. I believe the beauty of it comes from the fact that a person living through and surviving a severe depression knows the intense feelings of such deep dark pain, despair and hopelessness and knows what it feels like to even want death, almost to the point that I can taste it and see it. When you reach that low and know that pain so well, the joy of coming back to life and living is such a change and the difference is so extreme that the beauty of living again because magnificent, triumphant and glorious and so greatly appreciated again. I appreciate the beauty of life and living again more than others, because I just survived death. There is a colossal beauty in that.
I am alive again. My life is in living color again, no more gray or blackness. I see colors much more vividly and hears sounds more distinctly, clearly and beautifully. I can comprehend speech and function and move and live. It feels so wonderful, when you were once dead, the walking or sitting or laying down dead and you come back to the land of the living again. I am alive again and I am ready to live my life again one moment at time. Thank you God for my survival, life and recovery from my severe depression. I praise God I overcame death again and made it to the top of the bipolar mood pole.
I am proud of myself for my survival and overcoming my obstacles again. I overcame. Everyone else living with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression, personality disorder, severe anxiety and any other form of mental illness needs to be proud of themselves. Be proud for each small task you accomplish everyday no matter what season of pain or living you are in. We need to start to celebrating our strengths, courage and resilience to overcome time after time.
People with mental illness need to be recognized for the good, strong, courageous and resilient people we are. We need to dignify all mental illness survivors. We deserve respect and dignity for who we are as people.
We need start seeing more green for mental illness. Instead of stepping out in pink we need to march out, shout out, dance out, skip out, stomp out in green. We need to be a hero in green… everyday of our lives.
Celebrate mental illness and talk about it. It is a great conversation. We are a great conversation. Celebrate mental illness. Be your own hero and be someone else’s hero as well. We all need a hero in our lives. If you don’t have a hero in your life right now, be your own hero and survive and live a safe, healthy and happy life.
Yay. I am so happy my severe suicidal depression has lifted and my brain has changed and rearranged and came back to living and functioning well again. Thank you God for saving my life once again.
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