Today I am not a paragon of anything,
not a paragon of anything good anyway.
I am not a paragon of virtue
or a model of excellence or perfection.
Today, I am not even a paragon of cheerfulness,
which I usually am as I am usually living in a hypomanic mood pole.
My hypomanic mood pole has disappeared today, at least at this moment in time.
A paragon is someone who is the very best at something,
so, even today, I am a paragon of many things.
I am a paragon of crabbiness.
I am a paragon of negativity.
I am a paragon of disliking my life today.
I am a paragon of strongly disliking many people today.
I am a paragon of strongly disliking myself today.
I am a paragon of having bipolar disorder.
Of course, I do not want to be a paragon of having bipolar disorder, but if I am going to do something I always seem to do it well, differently, uniquely and to the most utmost level.
I didn’t just get bipolar disorder, I got a severe type of bipolar 1 Disorder with mixed episodes and ultradian rapid cycling.
So, I guess that makes me a paragon of my bipolar disorder.
I am a paragon of having and living with bipolar disorder with ultradian rapid cycling.
My moods can shift from high to low,
from happy hypomanic to suicidal,
from loving everyone and everything to hating life,
and my moods can rapidly switch and change back again in an unexpected instant.
I am also a paragon of having bipolar with mixed episodes, which means my mood poles of mania and depression mix together,
blending together in a variety of unique and sometimes dangerous combinations,
making the symptoms of my bipolar much more difficult to live with and survive,
and definitely makes it much more difficult to treat.
I am a paragon of living with and surviving severe bipolar 1 disorder with mixed episodes and ultradian rapid cycling, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, personality disorder, and post-partum depression.
I am a paragon of resilience.
I am a paragon of perseverance.
I am a paragon of surviving mental illness.
I am a paragon of survival,
because I am still alive today.
Since I am a paragon of rapid cycling, I am praying and eagerly anticipating my ugly, mean, cruel, unhappy, unloving symptoms of my bad mania mood pole to switch back very quickly to my happy hypomanic mood pole again.
I am waiting, eagerly waiting.
I am not a paragon of patience,
so my bipolar hypomanic mood pole, needs to hurry up, switch and come back. I am anxiously waiting, anticipating and praying for its return.
I need my hypomania back to stay.
and I think I need a nap today….
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