Did you hear what I heard?
The shaming words of what a bad girl I was throughout my childhood.
The sound of the belt clapping together as my Dad walked behind to give me the punishment he thought I deserved.
Did you hear what I heard?
My OB Doctor telling me that he did not think I had post-partum depression because he cannot help me and referred me to a Psychiatrist.
My Psychiatrist telling me that I have Bipolar disorder 1, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Personality Disorder.
Did you hear what I heard?
Thoughts and words telling me that I must kill myself and die because I am worthless and my life is over.
My Psychiatrist telling me he cannot believe I survived my over dose and did not damage any of my organs.
Did you hear what I heard?
You cannot teach anymore and must go on Social Security Disability.
Your symptoms are too severe and we cannot find any medications to help you right now.
You need to start getting ECTs (Electro -convulsive Therapy Treatments) as that is your last hope to get better.
The negative side effects for ECTS are headaches, jaw aches and memory loss.
Did you hear what I heard?
You are Chaptered and you will have to go to court.
Thoughts inside my mind telling me that they would now control my life and my freedom was gone and stolen from me.
You have to stay in a halfway house (three times) until the courts think you are behaving, following their directions and are safe from harming yourself.
You are very close to going to the State Hospital if you do not stop overdosing and hurting yourself.
Did you hear what I heard?
I would never be “normal” or the same again, but they could get me to live a functional type of life.
Constant words of negativity repeated in my head. I am a loser. I must cut on my arm. I must hurt myself. I need to die. I must kill myself.
Did you hear what I heard?
Positive thoughts and words beginning to form in my mind.
I do not want to go to that hospital anymore.
I cannot hurt myself anymore.
I have to stay alive for my children.
I do not want to be part of the bipolar club that repeatedly lives at that hospital.
Did you hear what I heard?
I will fight my symptoms and learn to live with them.
I will forgive myself somehow.
I will learn to love myself again.
Did you hear what I heard?
God exists, I matter to Him and He loves me just the way I am.
God has always been with me throughout all of my struggles.
God will never leave me.
God has the power to help me recover.
God has the power to heal me to the extent He wants me to be healed.
Did you hear what I heard?
The splashing of water around my head as I came up from under the water after being submerged under water while I was being baptized.
My heart and God telling me to be baptized to symbolize that my past and the old me has died.
I am beginning a beautiful new life as a Christian dedicated to God and living my life for Christ from this day forward.
Did you hear what I heard?
God’s words as he told me that my past is over, the old me is dead. Forget my past for it has died. The new me is alive now. I have this very minute, moment and today to serve the Lord forever and always.
God’s words as he speaks to me telling me that I have to share my story.
Do you hear what I hear?
2 Corinthians 5:17
“When someone becomes a Christian he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun!”
Matthew 6:34
“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.”
Psalm 25:5
“Lead me; teach me; for you are the God who gives me salvation. I have no hope except in you.”
Phillipians 2:13
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
Our higher power tells us, “My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.”
Romans 11:36
“Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by His power.”
Matthew 19:26
Jesus.. said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Romans 10:9
“Express my desire to Christ to be the director of my life.”
Hallelujah!!!
My Loud Whispers of Hope 
The victory we have in Christ is amazing! His love for us is infinite. He will never leave us nor for sake us! God is for us!
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Amen!!! Praise God always for everything!!!
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I can relate to a lot of what you said, but my father used a whip. I remember that I could not wait to grow up so I could take control of my own life and run it the way I wanted to. Thank you for being so strong and sharing. I imagine this was not easy for you at all. -Bruce
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Thank you Bruce for your comments. I am so sorry your Dad used a whip on you. My brother got the board that my Dad later broke on him as he hit him so hard and used it so often. I only got the belt but I hated how I had to pull my pants done first and lay over a bed to get the belt… I think the worst thing for me was the emotional abuse… Shaming and belittling and scaring me and screaming etc. Etc. Your welcome for sharing and thank you for sharing yourself to me. So appreciate it. Hugs!!!
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Oh lets not even talk about emotional abuse. That silently eats away at you and your mind!
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Totally agree. It is worse than physical because you can forget physicsl pain but you cannot forget the hurtful words leaving lasting scars and reminders in your memory.
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